The Irvania Blog

[In the spirit of the season, here’s a retread of mine from December 2003. I can’t find my original, but I’m pretty sure it was first sent to one of the Internet writers’ e-mail lists.]

I’d like to wish a Happy Kwanzaa, Happy Hannukah, Happy Ramadan, Merry Christmas, Happy Winter Solstice, Happy New Year, Happy Loot-Swapping Day, and/or Happy Generic Winter Holiday to everyone out there.

Me, I’ve been busy lately producing my new holiday season mixed album, featuring such artists as:

Linkin Park: “I Hate You Because of All the Presents You Gave Me”

Staind: “I’ve Never Gotten Any Presents, So I Hate Myself”

Nine Inch Nails: “I Just Hate Santa, Okay?”

Britney Spears: “Watch Me Try to Spell Chrissmas”

Incubus: “What Do We Do with All the Presents Intended for the Moustache Guy?”

Red Hot Chili Peppers: “Bleep Bleep Bleep the Holiday Bleep Bleep Bleep Bleep Season”

Evanescence: “I’m Not Sure Christmas Exists and I’m Pretty Spooked About It”

The Beach Boys: “We’re Still Celebrating Christmas 1966″

Madonna: “I Saw Me Kissing Santa, Mrs. Santa, and All the Elves and Reindeer on Live TV”

Nat King Cole & Karen Carpenter (duet): “We’ll Still Be Dead for Christmas”

Michael Jackson: “My Attorneys Have Advised Me Not to Comment on Christmas”

Ozzy Ozbourne: “What? It’s what? Why Is the Ground All White?”

Sting: “If You Love Someone, Give Me All Their Presents”

… and many more!

Happy Holidays!
–
David Ferris
Writer Dude
www.irvania.com

Atrophy: (noun) 1. That shiny thing what’s on Weird Ed’s mantlepiece that he got from winnin’ all them Slargeball games  2. When y’all don’t care about nothin’  3. A bad thing what happens to yer mussels when yer arms or yer legs ain’t workin’ rite
          — from Wootner’s New Irvanian Unabridged Collegiate Dictionary (English Translation)

[I think this one was written in 1998 or 1999. I’m pretty sure it started out as an e-mail on one of the wargaming mailing lists.]

Over the years, a number of game projects have been mentioned from DIPCo, the boardgame (cough) brach of ArmourSoft. Whereas a few of these projects have actually been produced (e.g., Napoleon at Chattanooga, Slargeball) many of them have not. As a public service, we present here a brief list of some of the DIPCo games that never quite made it to life.

• Fallen Empires, Fallen Pants: Originally planned to be a strategic-level Napoleonic campaign system, 24 full-size maps, 18 counters, winner of 8 Academy awards, recommended by 9 out of 10 dentists, currently dating Julia Roberts. Minor changes have been made to the Terrain Effects Chart so the game is now being developed as a strategic campaign game system set in the Generic Legions/Red Chicken Rising universe.
•  Bureaucrat Slayer: No work has ever been done on this, we just thought it was a great title.
•  Great Battles of Lord Alfred St-John Bubba Fumpleton, Duke of New Swansea: Intended to be the most comprehensive and accurate wargame on the Fifth Anglo-Tuscany War. Graphics done by one of my cats. Later on it was decided that the title was too long, so it was shortened to “Excellent Battles of Lord Alfred” (EBoLA). 
•  Hey Sarge They’re Shooting At Us: Dave’s Obligatory Bulge Game: After trying all the WWII games out there, we decided that none of them were historically accurate or detailed enough for our tastes. This game is designed to rectify that situation. In these rules, each player controls a group of muscles or nerve endings inside a single soldier. For instance, one player controls the trigger finger, another player controls the right forearm, another player controls the right shoulder, and so on. The players much work together as a team or disaster is inevitable. We feel this is the only acceptable way to simulate WWII combat in a satisfactory manner.
•  Guys with Guns and Stuff: A new super-grand-tactical Napoleonic miniatures ruleset emphasizing command and control. Each stand of infantry figures represents the entire French army. A follow-on module for Ancients called Guys with Swords and Stuff is also in the works.
•  “Wait for It!” A thoroughly researched, painfully accurate simulation of an infantry battalion on the parade ground on the Queen’s Birthday. One counter represents one man. Six maps, 1600 counters, 64 pages of rules, 32 pages of charts, 196 pages of errata. Special rules for Leaders, boot shining, weapons cleaning, facing the correct way, standing at ease, marching in step, and unintentional discharge. Estimated retail price: $460. In stores by  Christmas. [October 2007 note: little did I know at the time that just a few years later, there really would be board wargames that sold for over $400!]
•  Operation Slargeball: A strategic-level variant of the Irvanian national sport, using the maps and counters from FGA’s boardgame Operation Crusader.

        [Commentator’s voice:] “The 8th Hussars pass the ball to Durham Light Infantry. Durham attempts  to toss to the Welsh Fusiliers AND THE GERMANS HAVE INTERCEPTED!! Yes, the 21st Panzer has intercepted the ball and is tearing down the coast of Africa like there’s no tomorrow. The crowd is going wild as the 21st turns south and attempts a pass to the 6th Light and FUMBLES! The ball bounces twice AND WE HAVE BALLBONK! WE HAVE BALLBONK! The 6th Light has been knocked unconscious and so has the nearby 15th Panzer. The Ariete is mulling about aimlessly with its hands in its pockets and the 51st Highlanders are taking advantage of the situation by going through 15th Panzer’s wallet. Coach Rommel looks like he’s not going to take this lying down. But there’s the timeloser’s whistle and that’s the end of the third half of this exciting game, here in the Qattara Stadium.”