The Irvania Blog

[Originally posted on Irvania.com in August 2002]

Officials at DIPCorp admitted today that over 3.8 dollars in earnings had been misreported, resulting in corporate profits being overestimated by nearly 400%.

Stockholders of the company, had there been any, probably would have been furious. “I’d probably be furious,” said an anonymous man walking down the street, who is not a stockholder in the troubled corporation.

According to insider sources, a book of postage stamps was purchased for approximately $3.81 at some point in the third or fourth fiscal quarter. The transaction was booked as an income, rather than as an expense. “That $3.81 should have been in the red column, but somebody wrote it in the black column instead,” said long-time DIPCorp bookkeeper Wallace T. Staplitic on condition of anonymity. As a result, the company’s reported earnings of $2.16 for fiscal year 2001 has been downgraded to a loss of over 85 billion dollars.

Angry insiders are accusing former DIPCorp president and CEO David Ferris of using part of the more than 3.8 dollars to give himself illegal loans. “We’re pretty sure he used the money towards buying a house,” said a woman cleaning a closet. “Not a real house, one of those 15 millimeter wargaming houses. It’s a pretty fancy building, at least four or five inches long.”

Photo of the alleged 15mm house allegedly paid for in part by allegedly illegal loans to alleged former DIPCorp CEO

“We don’t have a 401k or pension fund or anything like that,” said Staplitic, who was due to retire in only 34 more years, “but if we did, they’d be wiped out by now. Here we are, us non-employees, having just potentially lost our life savings we actually didn’t have but theoretically should have had, and that clown Ferris is enjoying the good life in his great big new 15mm house.”

“Well, he can’t actually enjoy life in his 15mm house,” Staplitic added hastily, “I’m pretty sure it’s a solid casting. He’d, like, have to enjoy life while he’s just holding the house in his hands or something.”

DIPCorp, previously in the business of manufacturing spoof games that no one would buy, is looking to expand into the field of robotic operating systems. “If we existed, which we don’t, we think we might have a majority share of the robotic operating system with our upcoming DIP-ROS version 1.0, in a couple of centuries that is,” said former CEO Ferris, who could not be reached for comment. “We’re not working on anything like that right now because we’re too busy being beleaguered and stuff.”

 

 

[Originally posted on Irvania.com in November 2002] 

First off, I’d like to apologize for taking so long to reply to e-mail. At last glance there were over 90 messages in the Inbox waiting to be answered. I haven’t had a chance to read them all thoroughly, but a quick skim revealed that many of the messages appear to be from the hottest teens on the net, who want to sell me refilled inkjet cartridges and teach me how to make money working from home, while channeling millions of dollars through my bank accounts from some Nigerian prime minister named Kabango.

That’s really weird. I didn’t realize that the hottest teens on the net were Generic Legions fans, but I suppose that makes sense. I couldn’t figure out what they’re doing with all those inkjet cartridges though. I also thought everyone already knew I’ve been working from home for the past couple of years. Not only that, but the last time I was in Nigeria, there’d never been a Prime Minister Kabango.

In case there is someone from Nigeria reading this, I would just like to sincerely apologize to all the brave mighty warriors of the M’Butu tribe, and to stress the fact that the daughters in your village all insisted they were of legal age. What’s more, I would never, ever under any circumstances secretly record your beautifully-performed traditional tribal music and plagiarize the songs as my own creations.

On a completely unrelated note, I regret to announce that my upcoming CD, Songs I Composed While Visiting Central Africa, will be delayed indefinitely due to unforeseen technical difficulties.

Speaking of music, long-time readers may remember my rap group from a few years ago, 2 Old Cru. As most of you know, shortly after we recorded our hit, “I May B a Codger But I Won’t Dodge Ur Luv”, the other members of 2 Old Cru were killed in a gunfight with rival west-coast bands N’Continent and the Back Brace Boys. Several law enforcement agencies have been asking questions about my whereabouts during that particular incident. Like I keep sayin’, I didn’t realize that big thing in my garage was a tank. I thought it was a lawn mower or somethin’. All them boxes of heavy machinegun ammunition was gifts from my accountant. The whole truth will be made public in my next song, entitled “My Bandmates Be Dyin’, But I’m the One Cryin’”. You know what I’m sayin’?

Well, I’m back in the music bid’ness and I’m forming a new group. For a few months there we were working on sort of a fusion thing, combining influences from Linkin Park, Stone Temple Pilots, Cher, Perry Como, Mozart, Pink Floyd, and Duke Ellington. I thought we had a pretty good sound going but things kept falling through the roof of the studio, mostly asteroids and airplane parts, and killing the guitarists. After we lost five axe players we took the hint and now we’re going back to hip-hop and Glenn Miller. Since then we’ve only had one piano come through the roof, and that only injured one back-up drummer.

So be on the lookout for a new CD from my new group, Rice Puddin Posse. This band is comprised of only the finest musicians from among the survivors. My good friend Victrola Master V is playing the turntables, Smoove Grandaddy Walker is on valve trombone and alto saxophone, One-Toof Smif is on bagpipes, Tommy “Bingo” Witherspoon plays tenor sax and double bass, Queen Esmerelda and Mrs. Emerson will be on back-up vocals, and Nurse Johnson will be doing the IV tubes and heart monitors. There’s even a track with vocals from special guests the Truss Club. The first releases from the CD, “We Ain’t Dead Yet” and “I Retired 4 U Babe, Now Give Me Som Luvin” should be getting radio airplay any day now.

And finally, for those of you who’ve written in with concerns about reported security flaws in DIPCorp’s upcoming DIP-ROS 1.0 Robot Operating System, let me reassure you that it’s nothing to worry about. Everything is under control. If you see any DIP-ROS system messages that contain the phrases “hardly any civilian casualties” or “blast radius” or “Venooties Rule”, you can completely disregard them. There is absolutely no cause for alarm.

Oh yeah. Jake says “Hi.”